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Vietnam Sketch (c) 2003 Comedy People Ltd
Featured on Lenny Henry's ITV Network show -' Now What?'
A DITCH, SOMEWHERE IN SOUTH-EAST ASIA. NIGHT
(VOICE OVER BEGINS AS SCENE IS SET)
V/O:
Nam. To many of us it was a living nightmare. To others it was an anagram of
"nma". It came true for me that night in '68, on patrol three days out of
Hanoi.
FRANK
(ON RADIO & FX) Blueberry Pie calling Mom; Blueberry Pie calling Mom, over. (TO
OTHERS) It's no good, Sarge: radio's had it.
SERGEANT
That's it then, guys. Forget the patrol - we're outta here. Jack - where the hell
are we?
JACK
According to last intelligence we had from Ree-con, we're about ten clicks away
from Hamburger Hill, and seven clicks from Relish Ridge.
FRANK
...And there's enemy units three clicks away in each direction.
SERGEANT
Right. Good. Marvellous. So the first thing I need to know is...what the hell is a
click? Jack?
JACK
(PAUSE) Err...It's a ....well...err...It's a noise made...by a hen. Yes. That's
what it is.
SERGEANT
(WITH SARCASM) So you're saying that we're roughly seven hen noises away from base?
JACK
Err..yeah. Yeah, that's right.
FRANK
That's a load of bull, Sarge. Hens don't click. They cluck.
JACK
Butt out, farm boy!
SERGEANT
No, he may be right, Jack, even though he's just a kid. Seems to me we gotta solve
this click business a.s.a.p., else we're history.
FRANK
So what do we do, Sarge?
SERGEANT
Simple, son. (PAUSE) We'll look it up in the dictionary. Anyone got a dictionary?
JACK
(PAUSE) Yeah, I got one.
FRANK
Me too.
SERGEANT
Ditto. Okay, Jack; you first.
JACK
Well, according to the Penguin Paperback, a click is " a short, sharp ticking
sound; anything that makes such a sound, such as a latch for a gate". (PAUSE) Of
course, (INDICATING BOOK) this isn't as comprehensive as some later editions.
SERGEANT
Son?
FRANK
Somewhat interestingly, the Collins hardback would have us believe that a click is
"a clucking sound characteristic of certain South African native languages".
Perhaps Jack was right about the hens. Sorry, Jack.
JACK
Forget it, kid. (PAUSE) Want to see a picture of my family?
SERGEANT
Actually, you're both wrong. According to my information, we're seven "ringing
sounds made by striking metal" away from Relish Ridge.
FRANK
No! Guys, I got it! Click: "An exclusive group of people; a faction; a
coterie...."
SERGEANT
That's clique, you idiot! Not click!
JACK
Easy, Sarge, he's just a kid!
SERGEANT
Fact is, we're plain lost. Guess the war's just about over for us.
SUDDENLY, A MEGAPHONE BREAKS THE SILENCE
NVA:
Attention G.I's! This is the North Vietnamese Army. You must surrender. We are
three clicks to the North East of your position.
SERGEANT
(SHOUTING) Ermm...where is that, exactly?
NVA:
(APOLOGETICALLY) We're not sure, but we think it's roughly three hen noises away
from you..