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Tennis Sketch (c) 2003 Comedy
People Ltd
This sketch featured in BBC Radio One's 'Bits from Last
Week's Radio
FX: EXT. CROWD.
HAL:
Hi, and welcome to the San Pedros all-weather stadium, where I can hardly wait for today's
Pro - Celebrity tennis tournament between world Number One (Pete Sampras)*, and Chuck Norris:
international star of those violent, low-budget yet strangely satisfying videos. And just
look at that capacity crowd, Debra.
(*replace with current No 1 seed!)
DEBRA:
Yes Hal - it's good to see gingham making such a comeback.
HAL:
Sure is, Debra. And as the match begins, I notice that Sampras is playing with a
Slazenger, whereas Norris has prompted for his now familiar Uzzi Nine Millimetre.
DEBRA:
Mmm. Yeah. And instead of a tennis shirt, Chuck has chosen to wear a rather avant-garde
khaki all-in-one. Surely a slap in the face for the fashion houses of Paris.
HAL:
Oh, and a great shot from Sampras, straight down the centre line, and immediately followed
by a short defensive volley from Norris, as he does a double roll into the net and takes
out two of the ball boys with his standard issue service Colt. And just look at that!
DEBRA:
You know, Hal, one questions why the ball boys don't wear something that's more resistant
to blood; perhaps one of the new easy-cleans that caused such a stir in Rome?
HAL:
Oh, and Sampras is doing his best to return, but the impact of half a dozen steel-tipped
shells into his upper torso seems to have left him somewhat dazed, and he appears to have
thrown his racket to the ground!
DEBRA:
Quite a display of temper. He should wear more green. It has a calming effect.
HAL:
Quite right, Debra, there's no need for that sort of behaviour on the court. And I
wouldn't be surprised if the referee issues a reprimand. Yes...he's about to speak to the
Number One Seed...but no! Norris lobs, and a stick grenade exploding on contact with the
umpire has prevented a reprimand for Sampras! It's nice to see these sportsmen looking out
for one another.
DEBRA:
Okay, but it may well mean a trip to the dry cleaners for the umpire's widow. People
really should read the label before buying.
HAL:
Sound advice, Debra, as Sampras recovers slightly, and crawls for his racket. But, golly
gee, Norris is ahead of him, and administers a sharp blow to the solar plexus, whilst
flinging anti-personnel mines into the crowd, and then some! What a mess!
DEBRA:
So it would seem that designer clothes are not able to stand up to the kind of punishment
the manufacturers would have us believe.
HAL:
Well, Debra, I think it's about over! And...yes! Sampras is dead! Sampras is dead! And the
line judges are tending their shrapnel wounds. Wow-ee! I guess that's a decisive victory
for Norris, who now goes on to meet Pee Wee Herman in the second round. Well done, Chuck.