back

Bloody Amateurs  - A SPOOF DOCUMENTARY (c) 2003 Comedy People

SCENE 1   
INT. NIGHT. A SHED. WE SEE A SHOT OF STEVE AND TREVOR FROM THE CHEST UP. THEY ARE HAVING A CUP OF COFFEE.

STEVE:   
I suppose it started as sort of a hobby, then just got out of hand.

TREV:
It takes up all our spare time now.

STEVE:
But we really enjoy it.

TREV:   
Don't think the wife shares our enthusiasm - it can get a bit messy, you see.

    THEY LAUGH

    NARRATION COMES OVER SHOT OF THE TWO MEN

VOICEOVER:   
We all have a hobby of some sort, whether it be collecting stamps or hanging around the park at night, and Trevor Wilkinson and Steve Anderson are no exception. At a makeshift theatre in Trevor's shed, the two men will remove their next door neighbour's appendix. For Trevor and Steve are amateur surgeons.

    WE SEE A FULL-LENGTH SHOT OF THE TWO MEN. THEY ARE WEARING
    BLOOD-STAINED APRONS.

TREV:   
Eight o'clock - she'll be here in a minute.   

STEVE:
Jolly good. Now, where did I put that steak knife?

    WE SEE A SCREEN CAPTION: "THE FIRST CUT IS THE DEEPEST"
               
   

SCENE 2   
INT. EVENING. ELSEWHERE INSIDE THE SHED

    STEVE AND TREV ARE SCRUBBING UP AS THEY SPEAK.

VOICEOVER:   
It's time for the first scheduled operation of the evening. Steve and Trevor prepare.

STEVE:   
Mrs Johnstone's appendectomy is really quite routine, so we're not too nervous this evening. Now, heart surgery - that's a real bugger, but fortunately we don't get many of those.

TREV:   
Even if things do go wrong, people don't seem to mind too much. I think they realise we just do this for fun; you know - a bit of a giggle.

STEVE:   
That's not to say we don't take it seriously. In fact, we probably take it more seriously than a lot of professional surgeons I could mention.

    TREVOR SHARPENS A KNIFE USING A LATHE THAT MIGHT BE FOUND IN A SHED. HE      PUTS ON GOGGLES.

TREV:   
I think we enjoy it more, though, because we don't have to do it every day. I've often thought about taking it a stage further and going to medical school, but I couldn't be doing with all that studying.

    TREVOR TAKES OFF HIS GOGGLES, AND RUNS A FINGER OVER THE BLADE HE HAS
    JUST SHARPENED.

TREV:   
Ow!

    HE SUCKS HIS FINGER, WHICH IS BLEEDING

STEVE:   
Careful, silly!

    WE HEAR THE TINKLE OF AN OLD-FASHIONED SHOP BELL

STEVE:   
Ah; that'll be Mrs Johnstone, Trevor.

TREV:   
Yup. I'd better go and meet her in reception.

    TREVOR WIPES HIS BLEEDING THUMB OVER HIS APRON, AND EXITS.

STEVE:
Trevor's very good with the patients. He really makes them feel at home. (PAUSE) Well, it is his home, isn't it?

SCENE 3   
ANOTHER PART OF THE SHED. THE RECEPTION AREA. MRS JOHNSTONE ENTERS.

TREV:   
Hello, Mrs Johnstone. How are you today?

MRS JOHNSTONE:   
Not too good, I'm afraid, Trevor. My stomach is still hurting.

TREV:
Oh dear. Never mind, we'll soon sort that out for you. Just got to ask you a few questions first, okay?

MRS JOHNSTONE:   
Okay.

TREV:   
Name?

MRS JOHNSTONE:   
Mrs Johnstone.

TREV:   
And how would you be spelling that?

MRS JOHNSTONE:   
M...R...S...

TREV:   
No, your surname, dear. Don't worry. I think I can remember...

    MAKES SIDEWAYS GLANCE TO CAMERA, AND ROLLS EYES.

TREV:   
Now, your address...

MRS JOHNSTONE:
Next door.

TREV:   
Great. Now, have you been treated here before?

MRS JOHNSTONE:   
No.

TREV:
Fine, and are you allergic to anything?

MRS JOHNSTONE:   
Yes. Butter.

TREV:   
Great. Well, if you'd like to get undressed behind the screen, Steve will be with you in a minute.

    JOHNSTONE GOES BEHIND THE SCREEN. TREVOR TALKS TO THE CAMERA.

TREV:   
She's a lovely lady, is Mrs Johnstone, and I'd say she has a reasonable chance of making a full recovery after the operation.

MRS JOHNSTONE
(OFF) Should I keep my bra on?

TREV:
Is it dry-clean only?

MRS JOHNSTONE
No...

TREV:
Keep it on then.

SCENE 4   
THE OPERATING ROOM. STEVE IS MAKING FINAL EQUIPMENT CHECKS.
   
VOICEOVER:   
With only minutes to go, Steve ensures that all the technical support afforded by the operating theatre is in good working order.

    STEVE IS PAYING PARTICULAR ATTENTION TO A MACHINE THAT WE CAN'T QUITE
    SEE.

STEVE:   
We got a lot of our equipment from friends and relatives and the like, and we found one or two choice items down at the dump. Like this one.

    HE HITS THE MACHINE. WE HEAR MUSIC

STEVE
That's more like it; I prefer working with the radio on. Calms the nerves a bit.

    STEVE MOVES TO A "DOMESTIC" TRESTLE TABLE.

STEVE
This is where the main event takes place. We have to keep it very clean, but as you can see, there's still a bit of glue left from the wallpapering. I shall have to speak to Trevor about that.
   
    STEVE WHEELS A TELEVISION MONITOR NEXT TO THE TRESTLE TABLE.

STEVE
This is vital, and gives us an awful lot of necessary medical information. (PAUSE) Now that we've fixed the aerial we can pick up "Casualty" quite clearly, and the odd film like "Carry On Doctor". Every little helps, eh?

SCENE 5   

THE WAITING ROOM. WE SEE ONLY TREVOR

TREV:   
It's my turn to be the anaesthetist today, and I've to make sure that the patient doesn't notice too much of the operation. In the absence of adequate funding to provide the necessary drugs, I'm using a specially developed oral substitute. How many fingers am I holding up, Mrs Johnstone?

    WE SEE MRS JOHNSTONE WEARING A DRESSING GOWN, AND RECLINING ON A
    SMALL TROLLEY. SHE HAS AN EMPTY BOTTLE OF SCOTCH IN HER HAND. SHE IS
    DRUNK.

MRS JOHNSTONE:
Twelve.

TREV:   
Good. I think you're ready. Alright, then, shall we go in?

    HE WHEELS HER WITH SOME DIFFICULTY INTO THE OPERATING AREA. STEVE
    STANDS, READY.

SCENE 6   
OPERATING AREA. EVERYTHING IS READY FOR THE START OF THE OPERATION...

VOICEOVER:   
With only moments to go, Steve is about to make the first incision when he is interrupted by the arrival of Mr Johnstone. For as well as being the patient's husband, Mr Johnstone is also the hospital administrator.

    MR JOHNSTONE IS DRESSED AS THE ARCHETYPAL BUSINESSMAN. HE IS THE
    ENEMY. HE HAS A FILE OF PAPERS UNDER ONE ARM.

MR JOHNSTONE:   
Steve, Trevor, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to halt the operation. It can't go ahead.

STEVE:   
And why's that, Mr Johnstone?

MR JOHNSTONE:   
There's a shortage of beds at the moment. What with my sister and her family coming to visit. You'll have to postpone.

STEVE:   
But that's ridiculous!

MR JOHNSTONE:   
I don't make the policy; I just implement it.

TREV:   
Well, get another bed, then.

MR JOHNSTONE:   
And how am I supposed to pay for it?

TREV:   
We've got the money, Johnstone. Sixteen pounds, as I recall.

MR JOHNSTONE:   
Yes, but that's allocated to the biscuit and light refreshment budget, as you well know.

STEVE:   
So, if I do the operation without a fag break, it can go ahead? Is that what you're saying?

MR JOHNSTONE:   
Now you're just being silly.

    MRS JOHNSTONE STIRS. MR JOHNSTONE GOES TO HER.

MR JOHNSTONE:   
Oh, hello, dear. How are you?

    MRS JOHNSTONE IS SICK OVER HER HUSBAND

    THE SCREEN FADES TO BLACK


SCENE 7   
OPERATING THEATRE. THE OPERATION IS IN PROGRESS.

VOICEOVER:   
Steve and Trevor have argued their case with Mr Johnstone for over three hours. For the time being they have won, and the operation is taking place.

    STEVE AND TREVOR GO ABOUT THEIR BUSINESS. EVERY SO OFTEN MRS
    JOHNSTONE MAKES A NOISE, WHICH THEY STIFLE.

STEVE:   
It's not really Mr Johnstone's fault; he has a job to do.

TREV:   
Anyway, we reached a compromise over the bed allocation; the patient will sleep on my lounge floor tonight, and then stay with Steve's sister in the kitchen tomorrow night - if we can get rid of the dog.

STEVE:   
After that, she'll be transferred to Mr Johnstone's new private clinic next door where she'll stay in the master bedroom.

TREV:   
Even though it's pricey, we think she'll be comfortable there...

STEVE:   
...Especially as it's her own bedroom.

    SUDDENLY, MRS JOHNSTONE STRUGGLES.    

STEVE:    
Trev, I think you'd better boil some water, quick!

TREV:    
Are you going to clean the incision?

STEVE:    
No, I'm going to make a cup of tea. I'm parched.

TREV:   
Okay. Hang on though, looks like we may have some complications...

STEVE:   
We're out of tea bags?

TREV:   
It's Mrs Johnstone. Her pupils are dilating, and her breathing's none too good.

STEVE:    
Hmm, you're right. I think we need some help on this one. Get the telephone, will you, Trevor?

TREV:   
Are you going to call a doctor?

STEVE:    
No, I'm going to call the reference library. (PAUSE) The encyclopaedia's got a very useful medical appendix...

    THE TWO REALISE STEVE'S UNINTENDED PUN. THEY LAUGH A GREAT DEAL.

SCENE 8   
THE OPERATING ROOM. STEVE AND TREVOR HAVE COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF BLOOD ON THEIR OVERALLS. THEY ARE HOSING DOWN THE FLOOR AND THE TRESTLE TABLE ETC. MRS JOHNSTONE IS NOWHERE IN SIGHT.

VOICEOVER:   
It's three A.M, and the operation is over. Steve and Trevor reflect upon their evening's work as they complete the cleaning up process

TREV:   
Well, I think it was a success in many ways...

STEVE:   
Oh, yes. A great success.

    (PAUSE)

TREV:   
Obviously, it's a shame that Mrs Johnstone can't be with us to share in the success...

STEVE:   
..Obviously, but I'm sure we'll be thoroughly vindicated by the Inquest. The Coroner's a fair man.

TREV:   
Yes. It was a bit of a disappointment. (PAUSE) But it could have been worse.

STEVE:   
Oh yes, much worse.

TREV:   
Yes.

    THEY EXCHANGE GLANCES. CLEARLY, IT COULD NOT HAVE BEEN WORSE.

STEVE:   
Still, there's always tomorrow. Life go on, as they say. (PAUSE) Although, not for Mrs Johnstone.

TREV:   
I expect we'll look back on this one day and chuckle.

STEVE:   
We've just got to break the news to the next of kin.

TREV:   
That's the part of the job I hate most.

    PAUSE

STEVE:   
(SCRUBBING THE TRESTLE TABLE) This red stuff's a bugger to get off.

SCENE 9   
THE OPERATING AREA FROM A LONG SHOT. STEVE, TREVOR AND MR JOHNSTONE CHAT. SHORTLY, MR JOHNSTONE LEAVES. THE CAMERA MOVES IN TO TREVOR AND STEVE.

TREV:   
Well, naturally, he was a bit upset.

STEVE:   
Yes.

TREV:   
And maybe a bit cross, too.

STEVE:   
But I don't think he meant any of his threats.

TREV:   
What would he do with our testicles, anyway?

    PAUSE

STEVE:   
Probably try and sell them back to us at a profit.

    PAUSE

TREV:   
Well, there's no use moping. What now?

    STEVE CONSULTS A LIST ON A CLIP BOARD
   
STEVE:   
Mr Wilson's kidney transplant on Tuesday, and the Magistrate's court on Wednesday - that business about the organ donor.

TREV:   
(ANNOYED) He was carrying a card wasn't he?

STEVE:   
Yes, but he wasn't entirely dead. Apparently that makes a difference.

TREV:   
You know, things just haven't been the same round here since we opted out of local government control and became a Trust.

    STEVE AND TREVOR TAKE OFF THEIR APRONS AND START TO LEAVE, AS SCREEN
    FADES TO BLACK.

STEVE:   
Breakfast?
   
   back