back

Sixties Sketch    A SPOOF DOCUMENTARY  (c) 2003 Comedy People Ltd

   SCENE 1   
   PRESENT DAY. A PUB GARDEN. BRIAN KEMP SITS AT A TABLE, AN ORANGE JUICE     IN FRONT OF HIM. HE IS BEING INTERVIEWED.

BRIAN:   
They say that, though, don't they?

INTERVIEWER:   
What do they say?

BRIAN:   
They say that if you're old enough to remember the 'Sixties, then you weren't really there. (PAUSE) I say that if you're old enough to remember the 'Sixties, then you're probably middle-aged, fat and balding. (PAUSE) And that goes for the men, too.
       
    BRIAN TAKES A SIP OF HIS DRINK AS A NARRATOR CONTINUES

VOICEOVER:   
When he was seventeen, Brian Kemp took part in a controversial documentary film about life in the nineteen-sixties. Today, twenty-seven years on, he seems far removed from the heady world of tuning in, turning on and dropping out. Back in 1967 he was a young man with a dream; a dream which he was eager to share with the camera.

    A CAPTION COVERS THE SCREEN, BEARING THE TITLE OF THE
    DOCUMENTARY - "WAY BACK WHEN - BRIAN'S STORY"


    SCENE 2   
    B & W FILM FOOTAGE. A MONO RECORD PLAYER EMITS BOB DILLON.

    WE ARE IN A SCHOOL COMMON ROOM. THE LATEST POP POSTERS HANG ON THE       WALLS. THE SIXTH FORMERS ARE ATTIRED IN A VARIETY OF FASHIONABLE GEAR.

    THERE IS AN ORANGE JUICE ON THE TABLE IN FRONT OF BRIAN. THE CAPTION      
    "1967" APPEARS. THE POP MUSIC FADES.

BRIAN:    
Yes, I leave school tomorrow.

INTERVIEWER:   
And what are you going to do?

BRIAN:   
I really want to do something for the people, you know.

INTERVIEWER:   
The people?

BRIAN:   
Yeah. As Lennon and McCartney put it, "The love you make is equal to the love you take", and I think that means something.

INTERVIEWER:   
What does it mean?

BRIAN:   
I suppose it means I want to make love. (HALF LAUGHING) Not in the physical sense, of course...(PAUSE. SERIOUS) Actually yes. Very much so in the physical sense. (PAUSE) Have you got a sister?

INTERVIEWER:   
So you advocate free love?

BRIAN:   
I'm prepared to pay.

INTERVIEWER:   
Hmm. But what are you going to do for a living?

BRIAN:   
I'm going to help people.

INTERVIEWER:   
By loving them?

BRIAN:   
If they don't prosecute, yeah.

INTERVIEWER:   
But you haven't been offered a job?

BRIAN:   
No. Absolutely not. No.

INTERVIEWER:   
(PAUSE) Your headmaster told us you're starting as a trainee tax inspector.

BRIAN:   
Oh yeah, I've done that. You know, in case I don't get into a commune. It'll be something to fall back on.

INTERVIEWER:   
What made you choose tax?

BRIAN:   
I think it's Vietnam that's influenced me.

INTERVIEWER:   
The war?

BRIAN:   
(PAUSE) No, a mate of my uncle's. He's a tax inspector in Ho Chi Min City. Got a nice house.

INTERVIEWER:   
What do your friends think of your plans?

BRIAN:   
They're pleased. Really pleased. (PAUSE) Though it's difficult to say.

INTERVIEWER:   
Why?
   
BRIAN:   
(PAUSE) I don't have any friends.


   
    SCENE 3   
    BRIAN'S BEDROOM. NIGHT. IT IS AN EXCEPTIONALLY TIDY ROOM, WITH A SMALL      
    DESK. BRIAN SITS, UNCOMFORTABLY, ON THE EDGE OF THE BED.

    PAUSE

INTERVIEWER:   
What do you normally do on a Saturday night? (PAUSE) You don't seem to go out a lot.

BRIAN:   
No, but that doesn't mean I'm boring, or nothing.

INTERVIEWER:   
No?

BRIAN:   
No.I mean, I think I'm taking a reckless, headlong dive into excitement and abandoned pleasure in other ways. Oh, yes. (LAUGHS).

INTERVIEWER:   
What other ways?

BRIAN:   
(PAUSE) Dunno.

INTERVIEWER:   
Brian, do you think of yourself as "square"?

    PAUSE. BRIAN THINKS REALLY HARD.

BRIAN:   
No.

INTERVIEWER:   
But you're not like other teenagers, are you?

BRIAN:   
What d'you mean?

INTERVIEWER:   
Well, do you get invited to parties?

BRIAN:   
Yeah, yeah, of course, yeah. (PAUSE) No.

INTERVIEWER:   
Do you have a girlfriend?

BRIAN:   
Don't need one, do I?

INTERVIEWER:   
Why is that?

BRIAN:   
There are, shall I say, certain magazines that I hide under my bed?

INTERVIEWER:   
What magazines?

    PAUSE

BRIAN:   
'Tax Investment Monthly', 'Savings Weekly' and "Throbbing Purple Member" - that's about the stock exchange. Would you like to see it?

INTERVIEWER:    (PAUSE) No.
   
   

    SCENE 4
    LIVING ROOM. NIGHT. BRIAN'S PARENTS SIT ON THE SOFA


MUM:   
Brian's a good lad, really. I think all this tax business is just a phase he's going through. He's just got in with a bad crowd, that's all.

DAD:   
Bloody weird. That's what he is. Always got his head stuck in a book.

MUM:   
But it's so hard to deal with teenagers these days, isn't it?

DAD:   
Not like when I was a lad. Knew where you were then.

MUM:   
You were in prison.

DAD:   
Precisely. Got all me meals and a free set of clothes. And we never had no books to read.

MUM:   
That's because you stole them all from the prison library.

DAD:   
That's right, mother.

MUM:   
I blame his teachers.

DAD:   
If I'd turned round to my dad and told him I wanted a respectable career with the Inland Revenue, he'd have given me a thick ear.

MUM:   
We're really not sure what to do with him.

    THERE IS A SOUND OF THE FRONT DOOR OPENING, OFF.

DAD:   
Brian, is that you?

BRIAN:   
(OFF) Yes, dad.

    BRIAN ENTERS THE LOUNGE. THE CAMERA IS MOVED ACCORDINGLY AS THE CREW       TRY TO CAPTURE THE ENSUING DRAMA.

DAD:   
What bloody time of night do you call this, then?

BRIAN:   
Half past seven.

DAD:   
Half past bloody seven! (PAUSE) Why aren't you out getting into trouble with the police?

BRIAN:   
Well, I start work in the morning, don't I?

DAD:   
Don't you answer me back, lad, or I'll give you a damn good hiding!

BRIAN:   
But I'll have tax exams to study for!

DAD:   
Tax exams my arse! Now get out, and don't come back until you reek of drink and cheap perfume!

    BRIAN MOVES SULKILY TO THE TELEVISION AND SWITCHES IT ON. IT IS A NEWS    
    PROGRAMME. BRIAN WATCHES ATTENTIVELY. HE MAY EVEN MAKE A NOTE IN HIS
    EXERCISE BOOK

TV:   
"..and new regulations come into force in the City today as the government introduces legislation concerning changes in corporate tax liablity..."

BRIAN:   
Gosh!

DAD:   
Not that noisy rubbish again! I can't hear myself think! Put on the BBC.

BRIAN:   
But dad...

MUM:   
Do as your father says.

    BRIAN CHANGES CHANNEL. IT IS "TOP OF THE POPS"

DAD:   
That's more like it. Turn it up, Brian.

    BRIAN DOES SO, THEN SULKS OUT OF THE ROOM


    SCENE 5
    MORNING. BREAKFAST TABLE.

INTERVIEWER:   
Are you looking forward to your first day at the Tax Office?

BRIAN:   
Oh yes.

INTERVIEWER:   
How do you feel?

BRIAN:   
Like Bob Dylan said, "The Times, They are a - Changing".    I think that means something.

INTERVIEWER:   
What?

BRIAN:   
The world is changing: wars, revolutions, civil rights, changes of perception. People everywhere are suffering for their beliefs. I just want to contribute.

INTERVIEWER:   
How?

BRIAN:   
Dunno. But as long as I get paid regularly, who cares?   

INTERVIEWER:   
Would you describe yourself as mercenary, then?

BRIAN:   
I certainly like the idea of fighting abroad, but tax seems a safer option.

INTERVIEWER:   
Brian, where do you think you'll be, thirty years from now?

    BRIAN THINKS HARD

BRIAN:   
I'll probably be in my own flat nearer the town centre. My parents are driving me mad.

INTERVIEWER:   
Well, thank-you, Brian, and good luck.

BRIAN:   
Thank you. (PAUSE) Are you doing anything tonight?

I'VWR
(PAUSE) Yes.


    SCENE 6
    PRESENT DAY, PUB GARDEN (AS SCENE 1)

INTERVIEWER:   
Brian, looking back, would you say you represented the spirit of the 'Sixties?

BRIAN:   
Very much so. Your cameras stopped just as I was about to start work, but an awful lot happened after that.
   
INTERVIEWER:   
What?

BRIAN:   
Gosh. Where do I begin? There was the commune in Hampstead; there was the protest group; there was the university students' union; there was the shop in Carnaby Street selling ponchos and joss-sticks; there was even the rock band.

INTERVIEWER:   
You were involved in all of them?

BRIAN:   
No. I queried their tax returns.

INTERVIEWER:   
Are you where you thought you'd be after all this time?

BRIAN:   
I'm a senior tax inspector now, I have a good income, but my life has not been without personal tragedy.

INTERVIEWER:   
What tragedy?

BRIAN:   
(PAUSE) I still live with my parents miles away from the town centre.

   BRIAN'S FATHER RUNS INTO SHOT. HE IS NOW VERY OLD. HE IS IN SOME SORT OF      TROUBLE.

DAD:   
Quick, son! Hide me under the table!

    THE CAMERA STARTS TO PAN AWAY. THE DOCUMENTARY IS ENDING. THE      
    COMMOTION CONTINUES. WE MAY EVEN HEAR DISTANT POLICE SIRENS.

DAD:   
Some geezer done the jeweller's in the High street, and I'm in the frame.

BRIAN:   
Was it you?

DAD:   
No, it was your mother....

    AD LIB TO FADE

back