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Police Sketch (c) 2003 Comedy People Ltd
FX: POLICE STATION ATMOS
MAN
Quick, officer, help me! Someone's kidnapped my mother, while I was in the park!
SERGEANT
Description?
MAN
Err...two acres of beautifully-landscaped woodland nestling in an idyllic valley
setting...
SERGEANT
No, sir, your mother.
MAN
Oh. Five five...grey hair...
SERGEANT
Age?
MAN
I'm twenty eight.
SERGEANT
No, sir…your mother
MAN
What? Oh, sorry. Seventy seven last birthday.
SERGEANT
Can you describe what happened?
MAN
Yes, we hired the village hall, put up some bunting and invited all her friends to a slap
up meal...
SERGEANT
No! What happened in the park.
MAN
Oh, we were having some sandwiches when these two burly men approached us.
SERGEANT
What were they like?
MAN
The cheese and pickle were a bit dry, but the ham salad were fine.
SERGEANT
So help me, I'm going use my truncheon if you don't start making sense!
MAN
But shouldn't you issue a description to your colleagues?
SERGEANT
No need, sir. They've seen plenty of truncheons.
MAN
No! A description of my mother.
SERGEANT
Ah. Yes. An old lady, you say. Where were you, in the park?
MAN
By the ornamental fountains. With my two great aunts.
SERGEANT
The sculptured ones with water spouting down her breasts?
MAN
No! The wrinkly ones with zimmer frames.
SERGEANT
Well, did they see the burly men?
MAN
I suspect not, for they are merely artificial walking aids with easy-grip handles.
SERGEANT
You misunderstand. Your great aunts.
MAN
No. They are not zimmer frames; they are senior citizens.
SERGEANT
Oh God! Okay, sir. Let's start from the beginning. When did you leave home?
MAN
When I first went to college. Why do you ask?
SERGEANT
(Trying to stay calm) Mmm! Well, look, sir. Why don't you give the details to the
WPC while I alert our patrol car. (Calls, off) Jean, could you come in here,
please?
FX WPC APPROACHES
SERGEANT
Ah, WPC Miles. This gentleman has just lost his mother. In the park.
WPC
I see. Description?
MAN
About seventy, grey hair...
WPC
(Surprised) What, the park?
MAN
No, my mother...
WPC
Age?
MAN
Seventy-seven last birthday.
WPC
And you don't look a day over thirty!
FX WE HEAR A LOUD GONG, WHICH SIGNALS THE END…