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Opera House Sketch (c) 2003 Comedy People Ltd
A MEETING IS IN PROGRESS AT THE ROYAL OPERA HOUSE IN
LONDON...
RUTH
Now, then, everyone, here is the issue; we have spent an enormous amount of the public's
money on refurbishing the Royal Opera House, and the public are not too happy about it.
THERE ARE MURMURS
RUTH
They feel it is a waste of resources on an elitist and inaccessible art form.
MORE MURMURS
RUTH
At this point I should like to introduce you to Gemma Smith. Ms Smith is a consultant from
the Independent Television Network, and she has made an extensive study of ways in which
we can make the Royal Opera House more popular with the...C3...demographic. Gemma?
SMITH
Thanks, Madame Chairperson. What I've done is to prepare a programme of events that I
believe will heighten the appeal of the R.O.H. across the board. For example, your new
season might go something like this...
SMITH READS FROM HER NOTES
SMITH
Monday night - The Barber of Seville; Tuesday matinee - Turandot with bingo; Tuesday
evening...
HANNAH
...Excuse me...did you say 'Bingo'?
SMITH
Yes. 'Bingo' It's very popular.
HANNAH
Err...right.
SMITH
(Resumes reading) Tuesday evening, Celebrity Nabucco Style Challenge, featuring
Kiri Te Kanawa and the House Doctor. Wednesday...
WENDY
Celebrity Nabucco Style Challenge?
SMITH
Yes - it's basically Verdi's original opera, but two teams of celebrities have to give the
cast a makeover and build a new set, and all for under four hundred pounds.
RUTH
What, exactly, is a 'makeover'?
SMITH
Let's leave questions 'til the end, shall we? There's a lot to get through. (Reads again)
Wednesday matinee - Chefs In Practise. James Heriot attempts to make a cheese soufflé,
while Ainsley Hariot sticks his arm up a cow's arse and sings the chorus from 'Carmina
Burana'
HANNAH
Is that an opera?
SMITH
Who cares? It'll sell. (Reads again) Wednesday night, and it's time to appeal to
the youth market. We enjoy a revival of Purcell's Dido and Aneas in the background, while
Fern Brittan introduces Can't Fuck, Won't Fuck, a light-hearted look at the sexual habits
of the nation.
PAUSE. SILENCE
WENDY
Go on.
SMITH
Thursday night, and it's Blind Aida.
WENDY
An appeal to the sightless community? Yes, very good.
SMITH
Not as such. It is the well-known opera, but completely re-written and presented in a
modernist format. (Reading) Ancient Egypt. Radames the warrior must choose
between the women he loves - princess Amneris, and the slave girl, Aida. At this point,
Cilla Black enters, and with her help he aims a series of banal and intrusive questions of
a highly-personal nature to the princess and Aida...
WENDY
Well I'm not sure that we...
SMITH
(Ignoring Wendy) ...Interval. As the second half begins, Radames is forced to
make another choice - he must go on a week's holiday at Center Parks near Birmingham, but
can only take one of the women. Which will it be? Doors open 7.30, final curtain
8.30."
PAUSE
HANNAH
Perhaps we could present it as a studio production?
SMITH
(Reads) Friday, and it's a new production of Hamlet, based loosely on the
nineteenth century opera by Thomas and Barbire. We see a shadowy figure walk along the
walls of Elsinore castle. It is top-rated talk-show host
Trisha. A large banner
appears across the proscenium arch, bearing the words 'My Family Drives Me Crazy'. Mr
Springer then brings in Hamlet and Ophelia, and they shout at each other. Laertes enters
and sits between them. Within an instant, the three are involved in a nasty fight.
Trisha then expounds an inane platitude, and everyone goes home feeling nice.
HANNAH
Good for the studio?
WENDY
We could do it in the round.
RUTH
Jesus! No! I've never heard anything like it!
SMITH
Well, there is more.
RUTH
Don't tell me - 'Bruce's Play Your Magic Flute Right'!?
SMITH
Don't be so daft! (Beat. Reads) 'Bruce's Marriage of Figaro' The overture begins
as Count Almaviva, the Countess Rosina, Figaro, and Susanna each try to guess the value of
an antique vase placed before them. Whoever guesses the closest...
RUTH
...Stop this madness at once! I insist you stop! Please!
SMITH
But that only leaves The Slaves Chorus from 'This Morning' and Cosi Fan Countdown.
RUTH
I cannot believe we are even contemplating reducing our world-renowned opera company into
such mindless twaddle!
WENDY
Presumably you have a suggestion to put to us?
RUTH
Yes, as it happens. I do.
RUTH OPENS A FILE. SHE REMOVES A SHEET OF PAPER, AND BEGINS TO READ
RUTH
(Reading) Jim Davidson's Madam Butterfly. The set is a large green baize. To
thunderous applause, John Virgo, Dennis Taylor and Jimmy White enter. They then proceed to
hit each other with snooker cues, and the last one standing gets to shag Madam Butterfly,
unaware that 'she' is really a 'he'.
PAUSE
RUTH
(Pleading) Jade Goody could present it....