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Midwife Sketch (c) 2003 Comedy People
Ltd
LOC: INT. OFFICE. DAY
A MIDWIFE SITS BEHIND A DESK. OPPOSITE HER WE SEE A YOUNG COUPLE. THEY ARE EXPECTING THEIR
FIRST BABY
THE MIDWIFE IS ALL SMILES AND HAPPINESS THROUGHOUT
MIDWIFE
Now, as this is your first baby, I thought we should have a little chat in order to give
you some idea of what to expect over the next few months.
THE COUPLE SMILE AND NOD IN RESPONSE
MIDWIFE
I've been a midwife for a long time, and the first thing I want to tell you is that you
should be very, very worried indeed.
PAUSE. THE COUPLE DO NOT NOW HOW TO RESPOND
MIDWIFE
Childbirth is extremely painful and very messy. It's a nasty, depressing experience that
leaves you feeling tired, sore and overweight. Your tits never fully recover, your single
friends find you deeply boring and you become a prisoner in your own home for years on
end. (Beat) Am I getting through?
PAUSE. THE COUPLE STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON
MIDWIFE
Oh, dear; I appear to be talking to Mr and Mrs McThick. Well, in that case, let me show
you some pictures taken at a recent delivery…
IN RAPID SUCCESSION, THE MIDWIFE HOLDS UP A SERIES OF THREE LARGE PHOTOS.
WE DO NOT SEE THEM, BUT WE WATCH THE COUPLE'S REACTION INSTEAD.
CLEARLY, THE PICTURES ARE UTTERLY HORRIFIC.
THE MIDWIFE HOLD UP PICTURE No 1
MIDWIFE
There's this…
COUPLE
Urgh!
SHE HOLDS UP PICTURE 2
MIDWIFE
And this…
COUPLE
Urgh..gurgh!
SHE HOLDS UP PICTURE 3
Midwife
And this.
COUPLE
AAAAARGHHH!
THE COUPLE ARE PUSHED OVER THE TOP BY THIS SPECTACLE. EVENTUALLY THEY RECOVER. THE MAN
MAKES TO SPEAK.
MIDWIFE
Now, it's time for your internal.
THE WOMAN STANDS UP. THE MIDWIFE POINTS AT THE MAN IN A THREATENING WAY
MIDWIFE
Not her, you!