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Mafia Sketch (c) 2003
Comedy People Ltd
TWO MAFIA-STYLE GANGSTERS MEET.
VITO
Don Luciano!
TONY
Don Giovanni!
THEY EMBRACE. PERHAPS IT GETS A BIT SILLY. EVENTUALLY, THEY BREAK FREE.
TONY
You wanted to see me, Godfather?
VITO
Yeah, yeah. So, how's the family?
TONY
Good, good.
VITO
It is good that they are good. That makes me very happy, which is...good.
TONY
I am pleased that this makes you happy.
PAUSE
VITO
...Good.
TONY
And you Godfather? Are you well?
VITO
Well, truth is, I feel a pain, Tony; a pain deep down inside. You know what's causing me
this pain?
TONY
Is it your haemorrhoids again, Godfather?
VITO
No...
TONY
Your ring piece, your ass-grapes...
VITO
...No!
TONY
...Your nut-cluster…
VITO
No!! Not that sort of pain, Tony!
TONY
Sorry.
VITO
It's About Joey, your cousin. I told you to make time for him; you know - find a window.
TONY
Which I did!
VITO
And then?
TONY
I pushed him out of it.
VITO
(Pause) Why didn't you just send him a memo?
TONY
(Disbelieving) Because that ain't the way we do business!
VITO
Yes it is! I keep telling you - we've gone legitimate!
TONY
What happened to the days when we made someone an offer they can't refuse?
VITO
Now we give them a thirty-day, no-quibble, money-back guarantee.
TONY
I see.
VITO
So…I'm afraid that our association must be...terminated. Permanently. It's nothing
personal - it's business.
TONY
(Cynical and a little afraid) You mean you're gonna take me into the desert for a
one-way trip?
VITO
No, I mean I'm gonna take you to personnel and give you your P45.
TONY
But I don't understand, Godfather. I'm a gangster! A hood! All my life I've robbed, lied,
cheated, stolen and deceived! What'll happen to me?
VITO
From today you work for your cousin Marty over on the North Side. He could use a guy like
you.
TONY
What does he do?
VITO
He's an estate agent. You should do well. Now get outta here!