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Jazz Sketch (c) 2003 Comedy People Ltd

PRESENTER
Now, for all you music fans, a special treat as I speak to author Ambrose Lucas about his new biography of jazz legend Duke Wellington. Ambrose, hello.

AMBROSE:   
Hello. And it's Duke Ellington.

PRESENTER   
Whatever. Now, Duke Wellington was a very exciting man, wasn't he?

AMBROSE   
Indeed so. I mean, how many individuals can rightly claim to have influenced the course of twentieth century popular music?

PRESENTER
...While at the same time executing a series of successful military campaigns across Europe?

AMBROSE
No, I think you're confus...

PRESENTER   
...Ssh! Now, we hear a lot these days about bands on tour, but the Duke had been touring long before it became so commonplace?

AMBROSE   
Yes. He really enjoyed touring, and would often return to a place time and again if his gigs went well. Even if they didn't, he would usually take the place by storm...

PRESyENTER   
...Waterloo being a prime example?

AMBROSE   
I was thinking more of Harlem.

PRESENTER
Small town in Belgium. They've got a monument. Tell me, how did he acquire the nickname 'Duke'?

AMBROSE   
Ah, now this was a mark of public affection for his fine musicianship in producing hits such as 'Don't Get Around Much Anymore', 'Drop Me Off In Harlem' and 'Rent Party Blues'.

PRESENTER
But, surely, the title was bestowed on him by the king for a successful rear-guard action in the Portuguese campaign?

AMBROSE
I suspect you're talking about The Duke of Well...

PRESENTER   
...But he was always a tremendously popular figure, was he not?

AMBROSE   
Definitely, except for one downturn in his lengthy career when he was having great difficulty in presenting a coherent orchestration for 'Mood Indigo',

PRESENTER
Plus, of course, his decision to emancipate Catholics in Ireland which virtually marked the end of his role as Prime Minister.

AMBROSE
No! No, he wasn't a politician, he was a jazz mus...

PRESENTER   
...Let's talk now about the Cotton Club where the Duke worked with many other names that are now legendary.

AMBROSE   
Mmm. Well, there was Sonny Greer; Art Whetsel, of course; Otto Hardwick...

PRESENTER
...Sir Robert Peel, Napoleon - all the greats.

AMBROSE
No! No! No! Listen to me you stupid man! I am talking about Duke Ellington, whereas you are talking about the Duke of Wellington!

PAUSE

PRESENTER
It's an easy mistake to make.

AMBROSE
No it isn't!

PRESENTER
They do sound very similar.

AMBROSE
Your research is shit.

PRESENTER
Was Duke Ellington ever in the army?

AMBROSE
No!

PRESENTER
Did he want to be?

PAUSE

PRESENTER
I think I can get out of this.

AMBROSE
Really? How?

PRESENTER
Let's talk about the Duke of Wellington for a bit.

AMBROSE
(Utterly resigned) If you like.

PRESENTER
So. The Duke of Wellington. A very great man.

AMBROSE
If you say so.

PRESENTER
One of the giants of Western history.

AMBROSE
Possibly.

PRESENTER
And a shit-hot jazz trumpeter

AMBROSE
(Head in hands) Oh God!

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