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Guides (c) 2003 Comedy People Ltd
VOICEOVER
And now a major new in which a woman struggles to adjust to civilian life after years
depending upon the rigid timetable that was...the Girl Guide Association.
CAROL IS ASLEEP ON THE SOFA. SHE IS HAVING A NIGHTMARE. THE SOUNDS OF THIS NIGHTMARE ARE
MADE BY THE REST OF THE CAST, OFF
ALL
(Building to a crescendo) Dib dib dib, dob dob dob; Arkela we will do our best. Dib dib
dib, dob dob dob, Arkela we will do our best!
CAROL WAKES WITH A SCREAM. TONY, HER HUSBAND, RUSHES IN.
TONY
What is it, love? Did you fall asleep? Were you having one of your nightmares again?
CAROL
Yeah. All the girls were there...tying knots, rubbing sticks together, reading maps,
singing 'She'll Be Coming Round The Mountain', and I tried to join in but they couldn't
hear me, and I couldn't remember the words anyway...
CAROL SOBS
TONY
Alright love, it was only a dream.
CAROL
What do you know? Eh? Eh? Nuffing! You was never a guide. I was the best patrol leader in
the group and they bloody well cashiered me!
TONY
Because you were too old to carry on!
PAUSE. TONY BREATHES IN SHARPLY. HE HAS MADE A TERRIBLE FAUX PAS
CAROL
(Menacingly) What did you say?
TONY
I'm sorry, Carol! I didn't mean it; honest I didn't!
CAROL
Good.
TONY
It's just that...don't you think it's time to move on?
CAROL
Move on? What chance have I got?
CAROL REVEALS THE SLEEVE OF HER JUMPER AND POINTS TO IT
CAROL
Thirty-eight badges! Thirty-eight! Including one for washing up. And they don't want to
bloody know!
TONY
Why don't you join something else, then, like the Ladies' Circle. Or the WI?
CAROL
Why don't you join!
TONY
(Quietly) You know I tried.
TONY WEEPS A LITTLE
CAROL
Oh, don't start!
PAUSE. TONY COLLECTS HIMSELF
TONY
(Sings) "We're riding along on the crest of a wave and the sun is in the..."
CAROL
Shut up! Just shut up! That was the Scouts, not us!
CAROL GETS OFF THE SOFA AND STARTS TO TIDY HERSELF UP
TONY
I was only trying to cheer you up. What are you doing?
CAROL
Getting sorted. Debbie's coming round this morning.
TONY
That Debbie is bad news! She's always in trouble. I won't have her in this house!
CAROL
Don't you ever bad mouth Debbie! She's the only one who understands.
TONY
Understands what?
CAROL
(Passionately) The difference between the tracks of a badger and a fox!
TONY
But don't I understand?
CAROL
No! Where were you when I burnt my thumb lighting the camp fire, eh...?
TONY
... I didn't know you then.
CAROL
...Debbie was there! Putting a comforting arm around me; cold compress on the wound,
elevated the hand, and carried me for three miles, across her big, broad shoulders, into
the woods...and...and...maybe you're right, maybe I shouldn't see her.
THERE IS A KNOCK ON DOOR
DEBBIE
Carol! Carol! Are you in there? It's Debbie.
TONY
You open that door, and our marriage is over!
CAROL
Our marriage has been over for years! Coming, Debs!
CAROL LETS DEBBIE IN
DEBBIE
Thanks, Carol. Hello, Tony.
TONY
What are you doing here?
DEBBIE
(To TONY) This is between me and Carol. No civilians. Why don't you get that cute little
tush of yours into the kitchen and rustle up some cocoa, eh?
TONY
(To CAROL) Are you going to let him talk to me like that?
CAROL
Quiet! (To DEBBIE) So what's the problem?
DEBBIE
It's the police!
CAROL
What? They after you again?
DEBBIE
No. Bastards! They've pulled out of the church bazaar. Vicar's going spare. He needs a
couple of people to patrol the woods behind the vicarage...to make sure no - one parks
there. You in?
TONY
No, Carol!
CAROL
Shut it, Tony! You know what they say - once a Guide, always a Guide. 'Course I'm in,
Debbie.
DEBBIE
Right. Meet me next to the bouncy castle, eleven o'clock sharp. It'll be just like old
times. See you there.
CAROL
I won't let you down.
THEY EXCHANGE GIRL GUIDE SIGNALS. DEBBIE EXITS
TONY
And I won't let you do it, Carol! Don't you see I can't take it any more? The hours of
waiting; never knowing if you're getting stones out of horses' hooves, or seeing old
ladies across the road! What about me? What about the kids?
CAROL
We don't have any kids.
TONY
That's it Carol! It's me or the job. What do you say?
PAUSE
CAROL
Hand me my woggle!