back
Grief Encounter... (c) 2003
Comedy People Ltd
SOME THUGS ARE ATTENDING A COMPULSORY THERAPY LESSON WITH A PSYCHIATRIST
THEY SIT IN A CIRCULAR GROUP ARRANGEMENT
DR GREEN
(Wet, soft, Northern)...So you're here because the courts have determined that the
problems you've got need to be fixed. Do you understand?
THE GROUP MURMURS AND NODS
DR GREEN
As I look at each of your files, I see that there is cause for concern. Barry; you have a
history of perpetrating random acts of violence which spans nearly twenty years; Kevin,
you have served two terms in youth custody for assault; and Jimmy, you are currently
awaiting sentencing for attempted murder.
THE GROUP SAY NOTHING, BUT LOOK TERRIFYING.
DR GREEN
Now, as a doctor, I can tell you that it is possible to cure your violent tendencies
through regular discussion groups like this. As a private citizen, I can tell you that I'm
very scared and don't want to be here. However, my home life is hell right at the moment,
and being in a prison with a bunch of no-hoper psycho loonies such as yourselves is
marginally better. The thing is, my wife's been having an affair and I don't know what to
do about it.
BARRY
Well, doc, what do you want to do about it?
DR GREEN
I'm not sure.
KEVIN
Go on - tell us!
DR GREEN
My problems fall outside the remit of this group which, as I have said, is to steer us
away from any anti-social thoughts.
JIMMY
Just tell us!
DR GREEN
(Beat) I'd like to smash his face in!
BARRY
Then why don't you?
DR GREEN
It would be an abuse of my professional status as a healer.
BARRY GIVES A CYNICAL LOOK
DR GREEN
Alright; he's bigger than me.
KEVIN
That needn't be a problem.
DR GREEN
What do you mean, Kevin?
KEVIN
It's a question of identifying his weak spots, and them playing on them.
DR GREEN
You mean I should be looking for an opportunity to gain the upper hand?
KEVIN
In layman's terms, yes. We might phrase it as more of a 'one-to-one threat analysis
scenario'.
JIMMY
Err, actually...If I might contradict you for a moment, Kevin? I feel that in the first
instance we are searching for a placebo that will enable the doctor to reassess his
fear-provoking thoughts.
BARRY
(Continuing the train of thought) Thus establishing a basis for developing his
hostility-response in a more pro-active role function? Yes.
KEVIN
But aren't we forgetting that Dr Green's gender-inhibited conformity has rendered lateral
thinking a near-impossibility in situation comprising direct confrontation?
JIMMY
You mean a primordial hierarchical gateway, as it were, is the obstacle to non-passive
interaction?
KEVIN
To a large extent, I think it has to be.
BARRY
But to what conclusion does our diagnostic process bring us?
KEVIN
Well, I've been working on a short paper entitled 'The Reflex Response - A Cognitive
Approach to Situational Behaviour'...
JIMMY
I thought you'd been writing graffiti on the wall of your cell?
KEVIN
That too; all work makes Jack a dull boy...
BARRY
And your paper?
KEVIN
Ah, yes; well, I suggest that an individual who feels under threat from a poorly-defined
yet immediately over-perceived environment of imminence has but one recourse to action.
DR GREEN
(Trying to keep up) Which is?
BARRY
Punch your wife's new boyfriend when he isn't looking.
JIMMY
Really hard.
KEVIN
So he doesn't get up again.
DR GREEN
And my wife?
KEVIN
I suggest a lengthy course of recrimination-dispelling co-counselling.
JIMMY
Yes. Take the pain and put in the belly of the shark.
PAUSE
DR GREEN
No. Sod it. I think I'll just steal a shooter and kill the cheating slag!
DR GREEN EXITS
PAUSE
KEVIN
Times crossword, anybody?
JIMMY
Already done it.
KEVIN
Ooh, you're a one!