The Executive (c) 2003 Comedy People Ltd
A HIGH-LEVEL INTERVIEW IS TAKING PLACE...
SIR LIONEL
Well, Brian, I'll be straight with you; the position of senior accounts manager has become
vacant, ever since the sudden and rather unexpected departure of Mr Merryweather to an
undisclosed address in the Caribbean, and the board think you may be the man for the job.
BRIAN
I'm flattered, Sir Lionel.
SIR LIONEL
Nonsense, Brian. We're aware of the hard work you've put into the company over the years,
and that's why I wanted to have this little chat to find out a bit more about you.
BRIAN
Well, I'm very grateful for the opportunity.
SIR LIONEL
Of course you are. Now, to help assess your executive abilities I asked personnel to give
me your file, but they couldn't find it.
BRIAN
Couldn't they?
SIR LIONEL
No. So instead I rang round all your neighbours and asked them what they thought of you.
BRIAN
Right...
SIR LIONEL
First, Mr Jones from number thirty three. He, apparently, thinks you're a bit of an
arsehole. Something to do with borrowing his lawnmower in 1981 and not giving it back.
BRIAN
Well, I was going to...
SIR LIONEL
And what about Mr Matthews from next door who claims, and I quote, that you have trained
that sodding dog of yours to crap all over his lawn on a regular basis? Hardly a
recommendation for senior management, is it, Brian?
BRIAN
I think that training is the cornerstone of every successful company, Sir lionel. Anyway,
Matthews is a total wa...
SIR LIONEL
That's beside the point, Brian! Now, Mr Johnston from across the road says that most
Saturday nights you sing loud songs on the way home from the pub and then urinate through
his letterbox, prior to becoming involved in a violent scuffle with members of the local
constabulary, to whom you are known colloquially as "the post-box piss artist".
BRIAN
It's just high spirits, Sir Lionel. A way of getting to know the people in my street, and
to enhance a sense of community.
SIR LIONEL
Uh-hu. Finally, there's Mrs Leach from number twenty-nine. She says that you make lewd
suggestions to her when her husband is away on the oil rig, and that on one occasion last
spring you hung your wedding tackle over her garden fence and asked if she would like to
beat the hose pipe ban.
BRIAN
She was asking for it!
SIR LIONEL
In what way?
BRIAN
She was wearing a skirt.
SIR LIONEL
I see. Well, Brian, since this information has come to my attention, I'm afraid it casts
some doubt on your suitability for the position of senior accounts manager.
BRIAN
I hardly think that these lies bear any relevance to my competence as a manager! (PAUSE)
Besides, it is a man's right to display his manhood in the sanctity of his own garden.
SIR LIONEL
I'm sorry, Brian. You're an aggressive sexist with a serious drink problem. (PAUSE)
Perhaps you'd like to take up a position on the Board. Start Monday?
BRIAN
Love to!