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CIA Sketch (c) 2003 Comedy People Ltd
Featured in BBC Radio 1's 'Bits from Last Week's Radio'
FX: EXT. ATMOS.
FRANK:
This Frank Marshall, live from CIA headquarters in Langley, Virginia, where the Central
Intelligence Agency is holding it's very first open day. And with me is Sam Caswell,
Deputy Director of Operations. So, Sam, why the open day?
SAM:
Well, Frank, this is a kind of "getting to know your secret service" sort of a
thing, in line with the present administration's policy of openness.
FRANK:
Now, this is something that was first pioneered - not very successfully - by the FBI, on
one of their "bring the family" days isn't it?
SAM:
Yes, but I think it was a mistake to let children have a go on the firing range. An
accident handling the live ammunition was inevitable.
FRANK:
What do you hope to achieve today?
SAM:
To give visitors an insight into our daily routine. For instance, most people think that
CIA personnel spend their time travelling round the world setting up assassinations and
destabilising governments. That sort of thing
FRANK:
Well, they do, don't they?
SAM:
Yes, but it's not all fun, Frank! There's a hell of a lot of filing to be done, for
instance.
FRANK:
Well...if we take a walk around the grounds here, perhaps you could give us a guided tour?
SAM:
Sure.
FRANK:
Now, to my left, I can see a large, green bunker-type building. What's that, Sam?
SAM:
That's classified, Frank.
FRANK:
Oh. Okay. How about that strange-looking radio mast. What's that for?
SAM:
I'm afraid that's also classified. Er..why don't you ask me about that grey tarmac area
over there? With all the unusual white markings?
FRANK:
What is it, then? Some kind of urban combat training center?
SAM:
No, it's the new parking lot. Accommodates in excess of twelve hundred cars. We're very
proud of it. Cuts down walking time to the office.
FRANK:
(UNIMPRESSED) Uh-hu.
SAM:
(ENTHUSING) ...And I bet you're wondering what that rectangular structure filled
with water is? Er...do we use it to test new equipment, is it a secret site for the
development of nuclear...
FRANK:
...It's a swimming pool. Isn't it?
SAM:
Yes.
FRANK:
You're not actually going to show me anything secret, are you?
SAM:
No.
FRANK:
Or tell me about covert operations, agent training, CIA agenda, political directives or
Agency planning.
SAM:
Well, I could...(LAUGHS AS HE SPEAKS) ...but then I'd have to kill you. With
this.
FRANK:
That's a very big gun you have there, Sam.
SAM:
(STILL LIGHT) Sure is.
FRANK:
Is it CIA issue?
SAM:
(PAUSE. VERY SERIOUS) Can it, Frank! I ain't gonna warn you again.
FRANK:
(PAUSE. UPBEAT) Sooo, this is Frank Marshall inviting you to come on down to
Langley, and meet the CIA. There's plenty of parking, and be sure and bring your swim
shorts. And now a word from our sponsors.
SAM:
(TO FADE) You a Communist, Frank?
FRANK:
No..
SAM:
You sure look like a Communist...