Bereavement Sketch (c) 2003 Comedy People Ltd
WE ARE IN A SMALL SHOP
WE SEE A NEWSAGENT AT WORK. HE WEARS A BLACK ARMBAND.
HE IS IN MOURNING.
OCCASIONALLY, HE GLANCES AT A PHOTO OF HIS WIFE AND SOBS.
A CUSTOMER ENTERS
CUSTOMER:
(Cautiously and sympathetically) Err...hello, Ted. Errm...I don't know what to
say, really...I've just heard. About your wife ...and...I'm really sorry...
NEWSAGENT:
(Very upset indeed) Thank you.
CUSTOMER:
It was all so...sudden.
NEWSAGENT:
Yes. Heart attack.
CUSTOMER:
I knew something was wrong when my paper didn't arrive this morning, then I met your paper
boy, and he told me...
NEWSAGENT:
Mmm. (Recovering composure) I'm sorry. You'll be wanting your paper...
CUSTOMER:
Oh no, no. Don't worry about that, please. I only came in to drop off a card. You know -
condolences.
NEWSAGENT:
That's really very thoughtful.
CUSTOMER:
(Pause) So, have you got any?
NEWSAGENT:
Any what?
CUSTOMER:
"With Sympathy" cards. (Pause) Or failing that, a blank one and I can
write it myself.
NEWSAGENT:
(Surprised) Well...yes.
THE NEWSAGENT BRINGS FORTH A PILE OF CARDS.
NEWSAGENT:
There's all sorts in there. I haven't had time to sort through them, what with...with...
THE NEWSAGENT BECOMES TEARFUL.
CUSTOMER:
Of course you haven't. Thanks.
THE CUSTOMER GOES TO ONE SIDE AND LEAFS THROUGH THE CARDS. HE PICKS UP ONE OR TWO WHICH
MAKE HIM LAUGH ALOUD.
CUSTOMER:
Sorry.
EVENTUALLY, HE FINDS A SUITABLE CARD. HE TAKES IT TO THE COUNTER.
CUSTOMER:
Right.
NEWSAGENT:
(By now a little recovered). Right.
PAUSE. THE TWO STARE AT EACH OTHER
CUSTOMER:
Erm...have you got a pen?
PAUSE
NEWSAGENT:
Yes - here you are.
CUSTOMER:
Great.
THE CUSTOMER WRITES IN THE CARD, SEALS ENVELOPE AND HANDS IT OVER.
CUSTOMER:
(With great solemnity) I'm so sorry.
THE NEWSAGENT OPENS THE ENVELOPE AND READS THE CARD.
NEWSAGENT:
How kind of you.
CUSTOMER:
Not at all. It's the very least I could do.
NEWSAGENT:
One thing though...
CUSTOMER:
Yes?
NEWSAGENT:
(Holds up card) It's not my wife's twenty-first birthday.
BLACKOUT