Bank Sketch (c) Andrew Barclay, 2000
LOC: INT - BANK - DAY
WE SEE JOHN WORKING BEHIND THE COUNTER OF A BANK
STAN APPROACHES HIM
STAN
Hello. I'd like to cash a cheque, please.
JOHN
Certainly, sir. How much is it for?
STAN
Well…it's quite big.
JOHN
That's alright, sir; this is a bank. We're used to handling large sums of money
STAN
No, I mean it's quite big…
STAN PRODUCES THE CHEQUE. IT IS SEVERAL FEET LONG AND SEVERAL FEET WIDE. IT IS A
"PUBLICITY - STYLE" CHEQUE
PAUSE
JOHN
What the f**k is that?
STAN
I run an animal charity, and we had a fund-raising event. We sold cakes and various items
of jumble and we...
JOHN
...I didn't ask for your life story, I asked what that is supposed to be.
STAN
It's a cheque.
JOHN
No it isn't!
STAN
Yes it is! We raised some money for the animals and I want to...
JOHN
...Look, this is a financial institution, not a donkey sanctuary. Now get out before I
call security and ask them to hurt you.
STAN
That's a bit aggressive.
JOHN PASSES STAN A BOOKLET
JOHN
It's in our code of practise.
STAN
Fair enough. But I want you to cash it.
JOHN
Sod off.
STAN
Well, what am I supposed to do with it?
JOHN
Like I care.
STAN
Right. That's it! I want to see the manager.
JOHN
He'll only tell you the same thing I did.
STAN
Get him for me, please.
JOHN HUFFS, EXITS AND RETURNS WITH THE MANAGER
MANAGER
Oi, you! Monkey-spunk! You wanted to see me?
STAN
I want you to cash this cheque.
MANAGER
It's too big, turd.
STAN
But it's perfectly legal. You have to accept it. If you don't, I'll contact the Ombudsman.
MANAGER
I suppose you were at Cambridge together, were you, you repressed homosexual?
STAN
No, I've never met him. But I will, if you don't cash this cheque!
PAUSE
MANAGER
Alright. (To JOHN) Give him his money.
JOHN
But...
MANAGER
He's right - it is legal. Bastard's got us.
JOHN
But we don't have to...
MANAGER
Just do it, or you'll get an extra turn in the barrel.
JOHN
(Scared) Yes, Mr Greaves. (To STAN) How would you like the money, sir?
STAN
Fifties, please.
MANAGER
(To STAN) You win this time, you little pillow-biter.
JOHN COUNTS OUT THE MONEY BEHIND HIS DESK. WE CANNOT SEE WHAT HE IS DOING.
JOHN
Two hundred…five hundred…eight fifty…one thousand pounds exactly…
MANAGER
I hope you're satisfied!
JOHN HANDS OVER A WAD OF NOTES. THEY - LIKE THE CHEQUE - ARE SEVERAL FEET LONG BY SEVERAL
FEET WIDE.
STAN
Thank you very much.
JOHN
A pleasure.
MANAGER
Now, f**k off!