Bad News (c) 2003
Comedy People Ltd
WE ARE INSIDE A HOUSE. TWO POLICE OFFICERS HAVE JUST ENTERED.
THEY ADOPT A SYMPATHETIC TONE AS THEY SPEAK TO MR SMITH
PC MARKS
Good afternoon, Mr Smith. I'm afraid we've got some very bad news.
PC SPENCER
Perhaps you'd like to sit down?
SMITH
I am sitting down.
PC MARKS
Oh. (Pause) Then perhaps you'd like to stand up?
SMITH
Why?
PC SPENCER
Please sir - it's procedure.
SMITH
Alright.
MR SMITH STANDS UP
SMITH
What's this all about?
PC MARKS
I'm afraid we've got some very bad news, sir.
PC SPENCER
Perhaps you'd like to sit down?
SMITH
What!?
PC MARKS
Procedure, sir. It's for the best.
SMITH
(Irritated) Very well.
MR SMITH SITS DOWN
SMITH
What is it, then?
PC SPENCER
Err...have you got any brandy in the house, sir?
SMITH
(Alarmed) The news is that bad?
PC MARKS
No, sir. I'm an alcoholic.
SMITH
Please get on with it.
PC SPENCER
Perhaps you'd like us to fetch a close relative?
SMITH
(More irritated) Why?
PC MARKS
To help ease the shock.
SMITH
I don't have any close relatives.
PC SPENCER
(Pause) Then...would you like one of us to pretend to be your...sister, or something?
SMITH
Not really. The news?
PC MARKS
Oh yes. I'm afraid we've got some rather bad news, sir.
SMITH
I'd gathered that much already!
PC SPENCER
Perhaps you'd like to sit down?
SMITH
(Pause. Containing anger) I am sitting down!
PC MARKS
Oh.(Pause) Then perhaps you'd like to stand up?
SMITH
Stand up!?
PC SPENCER
Procedure, sir.
SMITH
Okay!
MR SMITH STANDS AGAIN
SMITH
Now, for God's sake! Has something terrible happened?
PC MARKS
Well, sir, the thing is...yes. Yes, she is.
SMITH
She is what?
PC SPENCER
Dead.
SMITH
Who?
PC MARKS
Your wife.
SMITH
I haven't got a wife!
PC MARKS
We know, sir. That's because she's dead.
SMITH
No...it's because I'm not married. I'm not married, I've never been married and I don't
have a wife, dead or otherwise!
PC SPENCER
(Pause) Ah. It won't be much of a shock, then.
PC MARKS
So you can stand up if you want to.
SMITH
I am standing up!
PC SPENCER
Then perhaps you'd better sit down.
SMITH
Why?
PC MARKS
Procedure, sir.
SMITH
Alright.
MR SMITH SITS
PC SPENCER
Thank you. (Pause) We're police officers, and I'm afraid we have no news whatsoever.
PC MARKS
Perhaps you'd better stand up.
SMITH
Oh, get out!