Army Sketch (c)
2003 Comedy People Ltd
(LOC: EXT - FIELD - NIGHT)
WE SEE A SMALL, MAKESHIFT ENCAMPMENT IN A FIELD. A GROUP OF SOLDIERS PAYS ATTENTION TO THE
MALE SERGEANT
THE SOLDIERS WEAR COMBAT GEAR AND SMEAR CAMOUFLAGE PAINT ON THEIR FACES AS THEY LISTEN.
SERGEANT (male)
Right, then. As you know, this is the regiment’s first night exercise in which both
male and female personnel will be participating. I do not expect this to make any
difference to your performance as soldiers, and I will not tolerate any prejudice in my
platoon. Clear?
ALL
(Mumbles of assent) Yes, sergeant, etc.
SERGEANT
Good. Now then. Lads, I want to see you in full kit and ready for the off in three
minutes, and girls - how about a nice cup of tea?
WENDY
Sorry, Sergeant?
SERGEANT
Put the kettle on, one spoonful per person and one for the pot. And careful you don’t
burn yourself.
JANE
You’ve brought us all the way out here to make tea!?
JONES (male)
Actually, could I have a coffee? If it’s not too much trouble?
SMITH (male)
I’d quite like a cappuccino.
JONES
Oh yeah - make mine a cappuccino as well.
SMITH
So, that’s two cappuccinos, then.
SERGEANT
And a tea.
SMITH
And a tea.
JONES
Or do I want a hot chocolate?
JANE
What on earth are you talking about!?
LIZ
We didn’t join up to make tea!
WENDY
Nor, indeed, any generally-available hot beverage.
JANE
Exactly.
LIZ
Yeah - where was “making tea” in the advertisement on the telly, eh? Where were
the soldiers parachuting from twelve thousand feet, skiing down a mountain and abseiling
over a cliff to make a cup of Earl Grey?
SERGEANT
Well, er…
LIZ
It seems to me that we’re being discriminated against.
WENDY
Yes. I mean, what are we supposed to do in the event of a war? Throw sausage rolls at the
enemy?
JANE
Well, thinking about it, I suppose if you baked them for long enough, they’d be quite
hard and…
LIZ AND WENDY GLARE AT JANE. SHE IS EMBARRASSED.
JANE
Sorry.
LIZ
The point is, we joined up for an equal share of the action, and if you try to exclude us
we’ll report you to the C.O.
SERGEANT
Fair enough. Point taken. Alright, lads, give’em the kit.
THE THREE MEN TAKE OFF THEIR BACK PACKS AND HAND THEM TO THE WOMEN.
SMITH
There you go.
JONES
All yours.
SERGEANT
Right. We’ll stay here, and you three get into the kit.
THE WOMEN START TO UNPACK THE KIT
WENDY
Thank-you, lads.
JANE
Cheers.
LIZ
Beers on us afterwards, eh?
THE WOMEN PUT ON THE KIT
IT COMPRISES CRISP, WHITE PINNIES AND TALL CHEF’S HATS, AS WELL AS LADLES AND SERVING
SPOONS.
SERGEANT
Ready?
ALL
Yes, sergeant.
SERGEANT
Off you go then…and give’em hell!
THE WOMEN DROP TO ALL FOURS AND CREEP, MILITARY-STYLE, OUT OF SHOT. THE MEN PAT THEM ON
THE BACK AND GIVE SIGNS OF ENCOURAGEMENT
THE SERGEANT WATCHES THEM GO
SERGEANT
It’s gonna be tough on them; breakfast in the field for six hundred squaddies. Still,
it’s their own fault for joining the Catering Corps. (Pause) Anyone for a cup of tea?