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Allergy Sketch (c) 2002 Comedy
People Ltd
LOC: INT. OFFICE. AN INTERVIEW IS IN PROGRESS
SMITH
Good afternoon, Mr...
SHELLDRAKE
...Shelldrake.
SMITH
...Shelldrake. What an unusual name.
SHELLDRAKE
Yes. It's from the Greek...
SMITH
Ah?
SHELLDRAKE
...Who owns the take-away. My mother knows him. He's sort of an uncle.
SMITH
Oh, really?
SHELLDRAKE
Yes.
SMITH
I trust you found us alright, and had a pleasant journey?
SHELLDRAKE
Well, fortunately, I slept most of the way.
SMITH
So you took the train?
SHELLDRAKE
No, I drove.
PAUSE
SMITH
(Trying to stimulate conversation) Well, Senior Allergy Tester - an interesting post.
SHELLDRAKE
Yes.
PAUSE
SMITH
Good. (Trying another tack) So, what have you been up to recently?
SHELLDRAKE
Er...travelling.
SMITH
Oh. Where?
SHELLDRAKE
To the chemist, mainly.
PAUSE. SMITH TRIES TO FIGURE THIS ONE OUT.
SMITH
The Chemist. Oh, a research chemist?
SHELLDRAKE
No, Boots the chemist.
SMITH
You mean you're a sales rep?
SHELLDRAKE
No.
SMITH
Well, what are you then?
SHELLDRAKE
ill. Very ill as a matter of fact. It's a miracle I even got here.
SMITH
Ill, what sort of ill?
SHELLDRAKE
Guess. Go on. I dare you.
SMITH
Well...
SHELLDRAKE
Go on!
SMITH
Back trouble?
SHELLDRAKE
(Affirmative) Mmmm. And?
SMITH
Er...sinuses?
SHELLDRAKE
Yes...
SMITH
Jaundice?
SHELLDRAKE
You noticed! (Trying to help Smith guess) What's the job?
SMITH
Sorry?
SHELLDRAKE
The job I've applied for?
SMITH
Senior Allergy Tester...
SHELLDRAKE
(Leading) Right...so..?
SMITH
You're allergic.!
SHELLDRAKE
Yes!
SMITH
To what?
SHELLDRAKE
(Slowly at first) Pollen, furniture polish, air freshener, oven cleaner...
SMITH
Ah, well that can be a bit of a pro...
SHELLDRAKE
...Soap, cardboard, sky, grass, tarmac, porcelain, nitrogen, water, tank tops, unicellular
life forms...
SMITH
Yes, well...
SHELLDRAKE
...Trees, Whales - the animals, not the Country, Wales - the country, not the animals,
Lulu, The Treaty of Versailles, plimsolls, Arran knitwear, Portakabins, Registered trade
marks, Patents, Mock Georgian Houses...
SMITH
Well...
SHELLDRAKE
...The letter "S", the Eurovision Song Contest, pants, Fruit - fresh, dried and
canned - Mini cab drivers, Lino, John Logie Baird, Pan's People, people who need people,
Fred Quimby and anything that rhymes with Montezuma.
SMITH
(Trying to get a word in) Are you sure that...
SHELLDRAKE
...Oh, and my middle ear.
SMITH
Well, that would explain the oxygen tent.
SHELLDRAKE
No, that's just a hobby.
PAUSE
SMITH
(Rising to conclude the interview) Well then, Mr.Sheldrake. Thanks for coming in. We've
got a few other candidates to see, but we'll let you know within a fortnight.
SHELLDRAKE
Assuming I'm not dead by then.
SMITH
Yes, yes. Quite. Goodbye
SHELLDRAKE EXITS
SMITH TURNS TO THE AUDIENCE
SMITH
You know - I like him!